The Gift of Sleep

Dear mother, father, 

I've grown tired

This world won't let me disappear.

When I was young I thought 

that I’d be dead by seventeen

But I kept following orders and now

Somehow I’m still here

It becomes increasingly difficult to follow orders

Because they want to convince themselves

That they’re good people, that “do what makes you happy” 

is the right thing to say, when even they don’t follow it themselves

You won’t just let me disappear

So tell me what you want from me! 

You want me to stick around, then give me orders

I’m sick of pretending I want to be here

There’s so much I love, people and things

That make me happy, but it’s not enough.

It’s not enough to justify another ten or fifty years

I don’t want it

They won’t just let me disappear

When I was young I thought that I’d be dead by seventeen

Now I’m twenty and I hope I’ll at least be dead by fifty

Please just let me disappear

How dare you call me selfish

When it was you who put me here

I don’t want to pay for someone to convince me

Please, fuck, just let me disappear.

You had no plan, why put me here?

If you love me, please, 

just let me disappear.