My Name

The reason I love my name 

Is because I see it as a gift from the people I love.

From the people who love me.

Perhaps I do not feel connected to this existence,

Perhaps my soul live not in the name.

I do not feel connected to the self that others perceive me as,

And my own sense of self is not tethered to their game.

But to me it is not a chain 

that binds me. 

It is embroidered in the towels my grandmother gave me,

It’s written on the birthday wishes that my best friend sent

When we were eleven, twelve.

My name is not me, she's a sister.

I love her, and she loves them, and we love him.

The fourteen year old boy who fell asleep weeping,

The twenty-year old who acknowledged what They were,

and bid kind acknowledgement to Him and Her.

My name is not me, but she is my beloved.

She has cared for me and held me, even

when her love was dearly unwanted.

But we'll move forward, through our life,

for there exists no other who so tightly gripped my hand.

My name is the mask others will see upon me,

But I have never really worn a mask.

I will just live. Exist. And breathe and move on,

expect respect and to love remain open,

For she is not me, but with her I am never alone.

And my name and I will carry on.

And with her gift their life was dyed upon.

So They will walk with ‘her’ in hand,

Because my name is a gift

from people that knew not who I am. 

Blue

 I'm mad

Because I felt nothing for so long,

and I'd never felt anything so strong

Everything is blue,

and everything I gave I gave to you.

Everything is gray,

even now, I clutch at every day.

My heart is closed for reparations,

And I know I need to take time and piece it back up,

but I want to be rid of all these pitiful ruminations.

I want to feel!

I want to feel the gleam in my eyes when I look into another's.

I want to feel the comfort in my heart when I'm held in their arms.

But you never played with my hair,

You never whispered in my ear.

And they will,

whoever it is, I'll feel.

Everything in blue.

The ocean reflected in my eyes,

You will never get to see.

And everything in their hands,

My hair, my heart, my dreams,

My tears.

You can keep the grey.

Keep your smoke, your screams, vomit, the years.

I don't need any of it and I never did,

You never owned any piece of me.

No piece of me is gray.

It's all in my hands now,

and everything is blue.