The more I get to process the things that you've said to me the more resentment I feel, and the more I wonder wether I really want to be your friend in the future.
But I don't want to feel resentment, or the shaky, anxious grip on my gut whenever I think about you. I don't want you to have any more hold over my feelings, I want to hold my own hand as I move through this.
You called me your thing, you called me an object. Disregard the "most precious thing" because it is the last piece that matters. "You're mine" as a thing to say, is terrifying and disgusting. That made me feel used.
"I want you to ask me for help, to depend on me, so I can feel useful in this relationship", "So I can feel better about myself."
You wanted me to be as insecure and dependent as you. I shouldn't be strong and able to do things on my own, I should need you. The pieces of me that I was most proud of were the ones you least wanted.
You better not ever take these words back, I won't hear any more "I didn't mean it" or "I shouldn't have said it." Because if I am not allowed to take my words back, neither are you.
The one who says things can forget them but the one they're said to has to deal with them. And we've both been on either side.
I am not and was never a thing you owned, I was not put into this world to make you happy. My biggest mistake was not standing up for the feelings that cam from my gut, and taking what you said as "the path I should follow".
So deal with your own thoughts. Being hasty to deal with everything immediately won't do you well on the long run. Sometimes things need to be processed before they can be discussed.
So feel free to think whatever you want. The people who care about me most know how hard I tried.
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